Vegas Hands Out Homework, Fourteen Owners Sweat the Grade

Grab your spreadsheets and your antacids, because this week's slate isn't just fourteen NFL games — it's a public audit of half this league's roster construction. Vegas has opinions, we have opinions about Vegas's opinions, and somewhere out there an owner is refreshing their app hoping a backup tight end doesn't get benched for game script reasons nobody warned them about.

Thursday Night Appetizer: NE @ CHI

Chicago opens as 3.0-point favorites over New England with the total sitting at 50.5. That's a real swing game for Even Bauce Can Beat WV, titysprinkles2, Hands Holzberger, and American Idol, all of whom have chips on both sides of this one, plus Foosball is the Devil and Bush League riding along with one team apiece. My take: a number that close with a total that high says shootout potential, so anyone leaning on volume over the Bears' side might sleep easier than the Patriots crowd.

The Marquee Shootout: GB @ DET

Detroit favored by 3.0 at home, and the 53.5 total is the highest number on the board this week — Vegas basically begging both offenses to let it rip. That's great news if you're Corn Shoughers or Bush League leaning on the Lions side, and a coin flip if you're one of the half-dozen squads — Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Stinky Bastards, Hands Holzberger, Foosball is the Devil, BourbonBandits, Kardiac Kids — all stacking Packers. My opinion: with a total that fat, somebody's bench is going to outscore their starter and it's going to hurt.

The Defensive Slog: CLE @ TEN

On the opposite end, Cleveland is only favored by 1.5 over Tennessee with the week's lowest total at 37.5. If you're trotting out Browns or Titans skill players, I'd temper expectations — that number screams field position and punts, not fireworks. Feel the pain, titysprinkles2, Kardiac Kids (double-dipping with both teams), BourbonBandits, I am so SMRT, D'OH, Even Bauce Can Beat WV, and Stinky Bastards.

The Mismatch: NYG @ HOU

Houston is laying a league-high 10.5 points at home against New York, total of 42.5. That's about as close to a foregone conclusion as Vegas gets, which is nice work if your Texans are starting (titysprinkles2, Hands Holzberger, I am so SMRT, D'OH) and a rough Sunday to be leaning on Giants volume (Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Foosball is the Devil, Kardiac Kids). My guess: game-script garbage time stats might be the Giants' best hope.

Scattered Storylines Worth Watching

• MIN -6.5 over IND, total 41.5 — a decent spot for Vikings starters riding with Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Hands Holzberger, Foosball is the Devil, and 2 Yards Under, while Colts believers in BourbonBandits, American Idol, and Kardiac Kids need an upset.
• CIN -1.5 over BAL despite being on the road, total a healthy 48.5 — could get spicy for Hands Holzberger, titysprinkles2, Foosball is the Devil, BourbonBandits, I am so SMRT, D'OH, and Kardiac Kids, all with skin on one side or the other.
• SEA -2.5 over KC in the Sunday nighter, total 42.5 — tight enough that Foosball is the Devil, Corn Shoughers, BourbonBandits, and 2 Yards Under should all be glued to the screen.
• DAL -4.5 over PHI to close out Monday night, total 44.5 — a big one for Hands Holzberger, Foosball is the Devil, BourbonBandits, American Idol, Bush League, and Kardiac Kids, with the Eagles side represented only by Kardiac Kids' own Philly stake.

All spreads and totals are current Vegas lines, not promises. Translation: don't come crying to the Gazette when your favorite fades and your underdog covers — we just report the numbers, you make the bad decisions.